Wednesday, September 5, 2007

To The Moron

So I came home from work today to find my sliding glass door open. It was just a little bit, but that is the second time in 3 days that this has happened. The security bar behind the door kept it from getting opened any farther. So either:

1. My cats are trying to run away and have managed to morph into beings with hands to open said door.
2. Someone is trying to get in.

I refuse to have an overactive imagination about this, so we'll just pretend it never happened. It doesn't help that my cats keep hissing at said door like they see something out there. It's dark. I can't see. They can.

It is clear you are determined to get in. All I can do right now is come up with a list of the reasons not to break into my place:

1. One of my cats has serious territory issues. You don't want to mess with her and her turf.
2. I have nothing of value except the laptop I am typing on right now. If you think I'll give this puppy up without a serious fight, yeah, you you don't know me very well.
3. I can scream really loud.
4. If #3 doesn't scare you, it should because #4: 2 cops live above me.
5. I may have a yellow streak a mile wide running down my back, but nowhere on there am I afraid of a guy with a gun. I grew up in Texas. You do the math.

Now that I've listed the reasons not to break in, here is a list of things that you need to do if you do break in: (Hey, anyone coming in here is given a chore. Deal with it.)

1. Remember the cat from #1. Try and trim her claws for me, okay?
2. For the love of all that is holy, change the lightbulb in the hallway for me. I'm too short and will not climb up that step ladder for any amount of money. The bulbs are in the closet.
3. While you're rumaging in said closet, feel free to go ahead and organize it a bit for me.
4. Vacuum. I have 2 cats and I hate that chore.
5. Cook something for dinner. Nothing too bizarre. And don't ask where anything is because I have no freaking clue. That's why I'm telling you to cook. Easy on the salt. I retain water easily.
6. Be a dear and re-alphabetize my books for me. There are only a few hundred. Oh yeah, I'm a bit picky about it too. So please make sure to sort by genre, then alphabetically, okay?
7. Take out the trash. The dumpster closest is always full, so you get to treck up the huge hill.
8. Bring a camera with you. Take a picture of whatever you steal and leave it on the table. I'll need it for the cops and the insurance company. While you're at it, take a pic of yourself too. Fingerprint dust makes such a mess.
9. Feel free to use my phone to call someone to set up bail. And your family if you want. I have unlimited long distance.
10. I'd take advantage of #9 if I were you and you decide to hang around until I get home. Because I am seriously hormonal right now and stressed. PMS and stress with my personality won't bode well for you.

Is is really still worth it to you? Quite frankly, I don't see why you want to get in so freaking bad.

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